Easter: Vatican explains how eggs and rabbits relate to Jesus

A Spokesorgan, shoved in front of the media by several burly Swiss guards explained: “Look I got selected for this job because everyone hates me, so don’t expect much. Hmm, let’s say the rabbits and eggs are a metaphor”

When asked what they were a metaphor for, the Spokesorgan tried hiding behind a bush, but an intrepid Ozpravda journalist tracked him down.  He continued. “Er…for Jesus so loved the world that he sacrificed his only beloved rabbit…no that’s not right.” How about this:” The egg represents…a…um…potential of mumble, mumble”   Our journalist then asked: “Did you just say “mumble mumble”?

The Spokesorgan looked embarrassed, but bravely continued. “OK, OK, so we adopted a pagan fertility celebration, thus the eggs and rabbits, so sue us. We did try having a rabbit on a cross a few centuries ago, but it confused the flock, so now we just don’t talk about the pagan bit, and hope no one asks, till now.”

Pagans were delighted by the news. “We now hand out chocolate Jesuses, and get the kids to find candy crosses in the garden. I will not talk about the fertility bit, but sales of Viagra, are soaring”

New secret weapon in Ukraine: French farmers

The French government has announced a bold new strategy to bolster Ukraine's defence against the Russian invasion: deploying battalions of disgruntled French farmers.

Intelligence suggests Russian forces hold a primal fear of angry farmers wielding pitchforks with an unquenchable thirst for subsidies.

"We've seen how French farmers can shut down a nation with a well-organized tractor blockade," explained a military strategist. "Imagine what they could do to a demoralized Russian supply convoy. It's pure psychological warfare."

Analysts predict the arrival of French farmers will instill a level of terror not seen since the legendary charge of the Polish winged hussars.

While the deployment is undeniably unorthodox, military experts are cautiously optimistic.

"The sight of a mob of French farmers, armed with baguettes and an unending list of grievances might just be enough to make the Russians reconsider their entire life choices," noted one NATO strategist.

The Kremlin, as expected, has vehemently denied any fear of French farmers.

Is ridiculous," scoffed a Russian spokesperson, unconvincingly. "We...uh...have very efficient... anti-pitchfork technology."

Insect and Arachnid spirit healing clinic opens

Kirsten McKathy, the owner, introduced the concept at Spirit Con, the new age and spiritual convention.  Among the homeopaths, crystal healers, and tarot readers she was pitching her clinic: “Spider chakras out of alignment? We can help. Ant seeking spiritual guidance? Look through this magnifying glass at our ant spiritual retreat. For all that ails our six and eight legged friends, mind and thorax, we have it.

Mantis always feeling a bit...stabby? Our mindfulness workshops help cultivate a gentle touch. Your female mantis will only eat its mate…occasionally.

Acupressure for ants, get the colony back on track with a soulful massage.

Termite birthing chamber: Lined with finest wood. Food and shelter in one.

Struggling with those annoying exoskeleton molts? Our soothing seaweed wraps will ease your pet’s agony!

Pet cricket lost its chirp? Join our guided meditation sessions designed to restore inner harmony (and those melodic serenades).

For the Christians, we offer an Aphid baptism."

One excited new customer remarked. “I’ve always dreamed of giving my pet fly a rebirthing experience, and now I can.”

New “All Mud Diet” gets you slim fast

Containing essential pathogens, worms and debris, wellness influencer Sienna Sunshine, swears by it. Her Instagram is awash with selfies holding jars of muddy sludge and captioned with hashtags like #EarthyGoodness and #CleanseFromWithin. Her once-glowing skin now resembled a cracked desert, but her cheekbones jutted out like never before.

Hollywood is also excited by the new all mud diet. Huge Ackman was overheard praising it: “I’ve never found it easier to lose weight, it might be the endless nausea, but it does the trick. Its crunchy goodness has landed me at the dentist three times this week, but that’s a small price to pay.”

The best part? It's customizable! Garden-variety mud is your base, but adventurous foodies can spice things up with a dash of driveway gravel for crunch, or a sprinkle of flowerbed mulch for a hint of floral sweetness.

Linda, a self-proclaimed mud connoisseur, insisted it was about the terroir. "Your basic backyard mud is just plebeian," she sniffed, ordering a $50 "Himalayan Glacier Mud Smoothie" at a newly-opened Mud Bar.

Trump's ego is now visible from nearest planets

A spokesleeze from Trump orbit remarked: “Haven’t we been telling you how colossal Donald is, now you just have to look up at night to see how true that is.”

Astronomers have confirmed that a bright orange blob, roughly the size of Texas is part covering the moon and emitting radio signals of Trump like humility  and sweetness “I’m the best” and “loser” and “lets invade Canada”. The blob, dubbed Trump’s Ego, or TEGO for short was created by Fox news’ repeated, unstinting and repetitive praise.

Trump claims that TEGO is a sign of his greatness and popularity, and that he is the only leader in the world who can communicate with aliens. He has also accused NASA of trying to sabotage his space legacy, and demanded that they rename the moon Trumpville. “The moon is very unfair to me, very unfair. It’s always hiding behind the Earth, or changing its shape, or eclipsing the sun. It’s a loser, a total loser. I want a new moon, a beautiful moon, a Trump moon. And I want it now!”

NASA has issued a statement saying that TEGO poses no threat to the Earth, but may interfere with some satellite signals and radio transmissions, and the thoughts of the gullible. They have also urged the public not to look directly at TEGO, as it may cause eye damage, nausea and/or visceral disgust.

Amazon to deliver customers to warehouses

Lord Bezos himself has unloaded the hotly anticipated news: Using information gleaned from millions of Alexas, drones will patrol the streets waiting to pick up customers in need of goods: ”We’ll know when you’ve been talking about buying a lawnmower, and without you even ordering anything, an Amazon drone will whisk you to the warehouse to take delivery of your goods. Non paying customers will be put to work in Amazon workshops until they’ve paid their debts. This will help the economy…somehow. We’ve taken a leaf from the Chinese government's book; get those troublemakers locked up and working.”

Explaining the logic, the Retail Master continued: “We’ve tried all sorts of things to get goods to customers quickly, but, frankly it’s all too hard. Sometimes people have retail thoughts and don't follow through and sometimes, and this is the most tragic part..” The Master wiped away a heartfelt tear of sorrow. “Sometimes they don’t buy anything at all, or buy it from someone else.”  It’s my duty, and the duty of every homo sapien, to buy from Amazon. We’re half way there.”

Chinese govt. declares living rooms are “Traditional Chinese territory”

A spokesinvasion for Emperor Xi expanded on the idea: “Since time immemorial, the world’s loungerooms have belonged to the middle kingdom, or at least since last week when comrade Lee came up with the idea.”

“We will be installing a party member on every sofa, to ensure the safety of Chinese property. To help you become civilised, there will be Leninism lessons in the morning, and thoughts of Chairman Xi in the afternoon. No need to thank us -  being able to bring the benefits of Chinese civilisation to you idiots is thanks enough.”

Since seizing much of the world’s ocean “Cause, who’s going to stop us?” to quote the head of the People’s Liberation Army, the Chinese military and government have been making increasingly bold claims.  Representatives of Native Americans and Australian Aboriginals added: “I wonder where they got the idea of seizing things -truly a mystery.”

Putin invades Antarctica, claims "It's always been part of Russia"

In a move that stunned absolutely no one, Vladimir Putin has today laid claim to the entirety of Antarctica. Citing centuries-old, definitely real maps, the Russian President asserted, "This vast, icy frontier has always held a special place in the heart of Mother Russia. Penguins are basically smaller, flightless bears if you think about it."

Putin's invasion force, consisting of heavily frostbitten conscripts and a suspiciously large number of polar bears, reportedly faced little resistance. In a gesture of magnanimity, Putin has assured disgruntled penguins that they'll be offered Russian citizenship if they swear undying fealty to Putin, and fight in Ukraine.

Meanwhile, world leaders have scrambled to condemn the act of blatant aggression. "This is simply unacceptable!" thundered a White House spokesperson, hastily relocating their podium away from a window after several unidentified drones were spotted hovering overhead.

Economists predict Putin's audacious power play will lead to a severe shortage of fish fingers and an unprecedented surplus of grumpy-looking seabirds shuffling around the Kremlin.

Exxon plays to strength –  Chooses evil as corporate strategy

A Spokescarbon elaborated: “When you think Exxon, you think Exxon Valdez, buying politicians, funding climate deniers and a deep and intense love of money. In short, evil gives us brand recognition. You know when you see Exxon on a ship, or a building - something profoundly bad for the humanity is happening. We need to leverage that into brand awareness.” Exxon executives will be retitled demons, and the CEO, Beelzebub in chief.

“In light of Shell and BP pivoting to renewables and pledging climate neutrality, we stand out. Yes, we’re going to pump every last bit of CO2 into the atmosphere we can, until the earth boils, quite handy for hell. If we also trash a bit of rainforest, or spill a bit of oil on a pristine coastline- that’s just icing on the evil-cake.  Our old logo has to go though. We’re thinking something like a man-goat hybrid with a pitchfork.”

A Republican party politician commented: “See that Mercedes, I call it the Exxon, same with the swimming pool and mansion. I’ve got to say, evil sure pays well. Global warming is a- a socialist plot!! I just gotta to say that once a day and the river of cash keeps flowing. Aren’t they great!”

Fact checkers can relax- Trump provides no facts to check

Aspokesobsessive elaborated: “Normally we’re very busy with politicians, sorting out truth from lies, but with Trump it’s simple- there are no facts to check- just fantasy.”

In a typical hour long stream of consciousness ramble, he claimed: “We’ve beaten the virus.”, “Coronavirus is afraid of me”, “Biden is actually a Chinese robot”, “I’ve brought happiness to Latinos”, “I saved you from an invasion by the Lizard People” and “I’m a successful self made man” fact checkers were observed glassy eyed. “We only have to devote a small part of our concentration, in case he says anything true, but on past form we have little to worry about.”

OzPravda can reveal the reason: Team Trump employs lie checkers. We managed to track them down. “We don’t want to confuse his supporters. If we let anything true pass his lips it would distress them- they love his lies, it’s great entertainment.  Like the preacher that claims giving him money will result in salvation, or the carnival barker promising the greatest show on earth- you know it’s a lie, but they’re so charismatic, so you cough up anyway." 

Conspiracy theorist confused by too many conspiracy theories

Speaking from her triple locked basement, local conspiracy theorist Darlene Thory complained; “It’s hard to keep track of them all. I like a good conspiracy just like the next person- maybe more. I know the baby eating Democrats stole the election, but lots of Republican say no.  What gives? Are they robots controlled by the Chinese paedophiles, or Russian paedophile robots? They are according to #fetiduser, but my QAnon friends tell me there is going to be a big info drop, and Donald will rule us forever. I’m so confused.”

“I know vaccines cause autism- all my friends know that, just like we know the earth is flat, but somehow, they’re putting mind control and tracking chips in with the vaccine. But, as #fetuser says, its all a plandemic, to control us - but how does giving us autism help control us? Really my head is starting to spin, just like the earth doesn’t. And don’t get me started on the CIA mind control rays, why do they need them if they use chips to control us anyway? I’d like to believe, I’ll never be a Sheeple, believing, so called scientists, (rhymes with Satanists, almost), but where’s a girl to turn to find the real truth?”