New Eurocurrency- The Dither

The French minister for blaming Anglo Saxons explained. “Soon we hope to issue our millionth regulation. What better way to celebrate? Truly, the Dither is a new beginning.“ He continued; “The present crisis is caused by the banks. How could they have been stupid enough to lend to us?”

Germany welcomed the announcement, and also indicated it would sit this new currency out. Chancellor Discipline boasted. “Ha Ha, someone else can bankroll the Italians, Spanish and French.  We're going back to what we do best; Producing overpriced cars and lecturing everyone about how to behave better.  No I don’t mean that ironically”

Greece Renames debt, iDebt- Promises: Sleek, Cool, Sexy Debt

Taking a page from Apple marketing, Greece has repositioned its debt as iDebt.  Said a Greek

Government spokesbeggar; “We have learned from Apple: They produce something useless for $500. At least with Greek debt, you’ll probably get some of your money back, and you will not have to worry about changing the battery on your debt.  Also, unlike the iPad, your debt will last for years.  With new hipster Greek debt, you can’t fritter away money on debt apps you’ll never use.”

Mr Patsakoulos continued.  “You’re just not anyone unless you’ve got some hipster Greek iDebt.  Naomi Watts keeps her Greek iDebt in her handbag.  David Beckham  wouldn’t go on the field without  his Greek iDebt.  People will admire you when you pull out your Greek bonds at a restaurant.”

A Spokesenforcer for Apple commented: “We resent the Greeks using our marketing.  If people  are to spend their money, we’d prefer they  spent it on the Apple  give-me-your-cash application.  If not, the iTunes , I-Can-has-your-credit-card app, would be an acceptable substitute.

McDonald’s Introduces the “Bacon and Beef shake” for Customers too Lazy to Chew

 

Taking the hint from their customers, the fast food giant is introducing an all-liquid menu.   Gerry Kaldon, a McDonald's regular enthused: “When I go out to a restaurant, I don’t want to spend all my time chewing, my jaw muscles get sore. This is just great.  It could do with some more work though; my straw got clogged with bacon grease the last time.” Click here for more

Christians celebrate painful death of their demi god with giant rabbit and chocolate eggs

Making the interesting claim that Easter is all about their demi-god Jesus, Christians exchanged eggs and decorated their houses with stuffed, imitation rabbits; both old pagan fertility symbols. Cardinal Crucify, asked to explain the relevance of these symbols to Jesus' death said: “ Um... eggs and rabbits relate to the crucifixion  by…er…um, my it’s hot in here can we open a window?” Click here for more

Indian Government launches first robotic probe to explore the poor

Explaining the necessity for his country's first probe to the poor, Prime Minister Singh said: “The poor have always been with us, and if the Indian political classes have their way, always will be, but there is so much we need to learn about the poor- Can we, for instance, feed them dirt and still get them to vote for us? Click here for more...

Recession Over: Consumers Ready for More Rubbish

The world’s consumers are again ready to spend, spend, spend.  Kathy, putting the gross back into GDP gushed: “I’m getting that Armani toaster  I always dreamed of, I’m also lashing out on an iPad for the dog, when I can get it.  The dog’s jealous; after all, the cat has an iPhone.  Do you think the goldfish would look good in Yves Saint Laurent?”

Proving that rubbish accumulation is an equal opportunity sport, Mathew enthused.  “At last!, I was just waiting for the official news, now I can get that Jet ski, I’d been vaguely thinking about.  This will fulfill my lifelong dream of riding around the water in circles, while blasting eardrums to shreds. I certainly look forward to letting it gather dust when I get bored with it in a month’s time. It will keep the dune buggy, boat, and canoe, company.  Hmm, think I need a new garage, this one’s getting really cluttered. “

Chinglish Manual Advises, “Do Not Operate Goat when urgling your resistor”

Daniel Merton was, this morning, left no wiser after reading the Chinglish manual for his new

MP3 player/phone/ GPS system.  Said Daniel “I got it on eBay, from Hong Kong. It was very cheap, but I haven’t managed to switch it on yet.”

Later, Daniel read, under the heading “Treeble Explosions” (later translated as troubleshooting)  “If your battery is not in harmonium, place in warm, dry, catfish”  Click here for more

Apple Unveils Apple Enrichment Device

Steve Jobs, in a move that gave a sexual thrill to the staff of Wired and salivating Applephiles everywhere, demonstrated a new method of transferring cash from customers to himself.  Pointing to a large sack, with a dollar sign on the outside, Mr Jobs declared: “This is where you put the money, you know you want to. Imagine how cool people will think you are if you give me some money.  I’ll even give you this…er… tablet thing that’s great for…er…acting like an Iphone, except it’s too big and it would make a great laptop, except it’s as fast as an arthritic tortoise and the only interface it has is with the Apple customer cash removal program. Click here for more

China Announces Climate Plans: Will Imprison CO2 and Torture its Relatives

After sabotaging the Copenhagen talks, the  Peoples Imperial Republic will resort to traditional methods to tackle climate change.  Chinese Premier Wen Jinbao announced the first executions of CO2, to be followed by ‘atmospheric re-education’.  Click here for more

Christians celebrate Christmas: Festival of the infant Santa draws the faithful.

Millions of Christians the world over will soon be wrestling with stiff, unyielding plastic, as they unwrap their offerings to the infant Santa.  Mysterious uncles, otherwise only mentioned in hushed voices, will sit quietly in the corner drinking menacingly.  The matriarch of the house will  carbonise various bird corpses, in a multi-hour, labour intensive, ritual she refers to as  a ‘traditional Christmas dinner’.  When finished, she will vow never to do it again. Click here for more

 

After six decades of war, revolutions, insurgencies, missile launches and attempts to turn the region into radioactive slag, the Middle East crisis has been

officially declared permanent. Media outlets will have “middle east crisis correspondents” that will be able to pick up the same child’s toy from rubble , scowl at the camera, and look sad anywhere from Iraq to Lebanon. Governments worldwide will have official middle-east-crisis-spokesbots which: “Deplore the present crisis and call for negotiation” As the message is unchanging, the robot in question will be a Barbie doll. The formula can be repeated daily at the UN, G8, EU Council of ministers and other impotent talking shops.  Asked about Israel versus Hamas, round 116, a German Spokesbarbie commented: “We call for a cooling off period. More...

Concluding a year of profound blah, a crack squad of fundamentalist, nightclub hostesses was nearing the outskirts of Islamabad.   Rioting Republican congressmen demanded ill health for the US population, and an Iranian nuclear war head for every Israeli iPhone.  The Vatican announced marriage between gay kitchen appliances is a sin against nature, and the installation of a church sponsored paedophile in every catholic school. More...

Every company to have “Solutions” in its name by 2020

News Solutions, (formerly the former Daily Globe), reported a trend that has been boring observers for years.   As with many bad ideas, the ‘solutions’ epidemic started in the IT world, probably with “Logical Solutions”, a short lived company that was neither logical, nor solved anything.  It promised to ‘reconfigure the data structure paradigm, and move best practice re-engineering to centres of excellence’. Linguists are still trying to untangle what they meant.

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The nation was today reeling from new scares about swine flu vaccine.  According to the normally reliable source, often quoted by anti-vaxers, “Some guy on the internet”, not only will the vaccine cause heart attacks, but is now implicated in the presence of the Bogeyman.  A spokesrumour for the anti-vaxers  exclaimed, “Arrghhh!! The Bogeyman!!!, run for your life. He’ll eat us all”. More...

Godzilla to be taken off “all Tokyo diet” urged to eat more New York and London

Everyone’s favourite post nuclear, destructive, mutant; Godzilla, was today urged to switch from his usual meal choice of choice, Tokyo.  A leading monster nutritionist commented “Godzilla has been dining on Tokyo skyscrapers and the Japanese since the 1960’s. Such a diet can’t be good for a growing monster and her brood of village destroying children. To avoid indigestion, she really needs to add some Brooklyn Bridge and Chrysler Tower to her diet.  A few extra plump Americans couldn’t hurt either.” More...

Emperor Putin wins “Election”

Vladimir Putin, the sole voter in Russia’s recent local elections, expressed surprise that he had

Afghanistan to be renamed War-O-Funland

Celebs Embrace Conservative Values: George Clooney Opens “Burn the Rainforest” Rally

Americans March for Disastrous Health Care: “The strong will survive”

'Birthers' Accuse Obama of Being an Alien

Is Obama hiding an even darker (so to speak) secret? According to some elements of the 'Birther' movement, Obama was not born on earth, but is an extraterrestrial in

League of Paranoid Parents: “Toaster Use Can Lead to Satanism”

Architects Propose Turning Cities into Giant Cubes