Apple Unveils Apple Enrichment Device

Steve Jobs, in a move that gave a sexual thrill to the staff of Wired and salivating Applephiles everywhere, demonstrated a new method of transferring cash from customers to himself.  Pointing to a large sack, with a dollar sign on the outside, Mr Jobs declared: “This is where you put the money, you know you want to. Imagine how cool people will think you are if you give me some money.  I’ll even give you this…er… tablet thing that’s great for…er…acting like an Iphone, except it’s too big and it would make a great laptop, except it’s as fast as an arthritic tortoise and the only interface it has is with the Apple customer cash removal programme.    It will open up the Market for…um…stuff that nobody has thought of yet, especially me.  You’ll be able to er…look at videos on the plane which is, like, so revolutionary I, can hardly hype, I mean speak.  It does come with a range of interfaces- it accepts MasterCard, Amex, and simple cash, but our customers are easily confused, so we didn’t bother with USB, memory sticks or anything else that might interrupt the flow of dollars to us.  What could be more elegant than that?”