In a concession to Emperor Putin of Russia, Obama has agreed to remove some missiles that don’t work. The Defence Sec remarked, “We were just able to hit a hot air balloon at a distance of two miles. If some missiles really did come over, we’d be better off throwing rocks at them. We tried asking the Russians and Iranians to paint targets on their missiles and slow them down, but they didn’t seem too keen on the idea, strangely.”

The Def Sec continued: “We’re moving from a position of giving Eastern Europeans imaginary missile protection, to giving them illusory Venusian warriors, a platoon of starfighters , and a minor deity to help in their defence. When you’re providing illusory defence, only the best will do.”

The Russians weren’t pleased with this development. Commented Emperor Putin: “If the US develops imaginary defences, we’ll have to as well. Our Theologians are preparing a company of attack angels, and we will be using Thor to generate cosmo-electro weapons. Just you wait.“