Reading Murdoch newspapers, watching Murdoch TV leads to fulfilling life- Fox News

All six thousand News Limited media outlets carried a story praising the objectivity of Chairman Rupert himself, and all his media minions. A survey, conducted by Fox news, reported that people who watch News Limited channels were healthier, happier and had sex more frequently than anyone else.
Anecdotal reports also suggested they were better looking, and kinder to puppies.

The daily Murdoch, a tabloid in the Murdoch stable, ran a story linking reading the New York Post, The British Times, or the Australian with lower rates of cancer, and shinier, more manageable hair.

Mr Murdoch, smarting after his preferred candidates from the “Rape, pillage and Destroy” party fared poorly in recent elections, fell back on his new found catholic faith for solace, he intoned: “Read other media, and you’re going to hell. Another point: I should be allowed to buy what I like and not get taxed a penny. Taxing rich people is sinful- it says it somewhere in the bible: If it doesn’t, it should- Hmm perhaps an opening for the Fox Bible-Fair, balanced and holy” Mr Murdoch turned to his misshapen and drooling assistant, and in an
aside, said "Chop Chop Igor, Fox bible now"