Scotland placed on "No fry" list

European heart disease central, Scotland, was today placed on a no-fry list. Any Scot found to be carrying cooking oil and frying implements will be fed lettuce without appeal. Lard will be a prohibited import.

Scotland, home of the deep fried Mars bar and ubiquitous chip-shop, was in deep mourning for the passing of the fried-everything era. Said one local graduate of Scot stereotype school, Angus McDiarmid; “ of them foreigners tried to feed me salad once, tasted alright after an hour in the deep fryer."

Till now, Scotland’s economy has been based entirely on grease, tartan and hating the English. Said the former Scottish secretary for fried food, Ewan McDonald; “We will have to rebalance our economy by exporting more tartan and hating the English that bit extra.