Star signs for wines: “Make mine a Cabernet Libra”

Expanding the already busy industry of separating the gullible from their bank balance, winemakers have hit upon horoscopes for wines. A Spokesvine remarked: “In the good old days, we’d just have to waffle on about “a rosemary and dead fish bouquet, with the essence of presumptuous porcupine” or something like it, and the easily led and their buckets of cash were heading in different directions. Sadly, the recession has seen the quality end of the wine market (ed. wine-speak for ruinously expensive) collapse."

“Into this disaster came wine-scopes, it’s been a blessing. Our most …intellectually challenged customers are usually firm believers in Astrology, so they were overjoyed at the prospect of buying a Piscean pinot noir. Excuse me, I have to go and take a dip in a bath full of money, while I laugh demonically about the fools. “

Commented a wine buyer, after being relieved of four thousand euros for wine “carefully matched to his horoscope”: “I just hope it works out, my wine glasses are Aries and they might not be compatible with Leo wine. At least I know they’ll all get along well with my Gemini fridge. Pardon me, I’ve got to meditate under my psychic attenuator, I only paid three thousand for it.” (He appears to mean an umbrella with “Psychic Attenuator” written on it)

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